Is Your Home an Islamic Home?

Is Your Home an Islamic Home?

 

"And Allah has made for you in your homes a place of rest..."[An-Nahl:80]

This may seem like an unusual question and your automatic response may be

"Why, of course my home is an Islamic Home!! My family is Muslim and that

makes our home a Muslim one!!"

Go through this short checklist to determine if your response should really

be in the affirmative.

 

I Have Chosen a Good Spouse

 

There are several ahadeeth that highlight the importance of choosing a

righteous and pious spouse. The wisdom of this is obvious: a pious spouse

is more likely to bring happiness and contentment to the other spouse and

the couple together will be more able to build a righteous family and home

life. This is the foundation of the home.

 

I Help Guide My Spouse

 

This begins with each spouse fulfilling the duties and responsibilities of

their roles and treating each other with kindness and compassion. It then

goes beyond this to include guidance in other spiritual matters such as

striving to strengthen imaan; paying attention to worship and correcting it

when needed; encouraging the reading of Qur'an, praying at night, giving

charity, and reading books on Islam; helping to choose pious friends;

enjoining goodness and forbidding evil. Emaan is something that may

increase or decrease so it is necessary to continually focus on increasing

our own and that of our spouse.

 

Our Home is a Place for Remembrance of Allah

 

Remembrance can be in many forms: with the heart, with the tongue, through

prayer, recitation of Qur'an, memorizing adhkaar and using them, discussing

Islamic issues, or reading Islamic material. These are things that should

occur on a consistent basis so that the angels will come to the home and

bring Allah's blessings. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wasallam, said:

"The example of a home in which Allah is remembered and the example of a

home in which Allah is not remembered, is like comparing the living and the

dead." (Muslim).

 

Our Home is a Place of Worship

 

This means that salah is established within the home at its required time

and that members of the family pray in congregation when several are

present. The family may also designate a specific area for prayer and

maintain its uniqueness and cleanliness. For women, it is better to pray

each prayer within the home. For men, it is recommended to pray voluntary

prayers at home after having prayed obligatory prayers in the masjid. The

Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wasallam, said: "The voluntary prayer in the

home is better than the voluntary prayer with the people. It is like the

obligatory prayer of the man in congregation being better than praying the

obligatory by himself." (Sahih al-Jaami). This is to ensure that homes are

made places of worship just as the masajids.

We Regularly read Surat Al-Baqarah and Ayatul Kursi to Keep Satan Away

The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alayhe wasallam, said: "Recite

SuratAl-Baqarah in your houses, for the Satan does not enter a house in

which SuratAl-Baqarah is recited." (Sahih al-Jaami). He also said: "When

you go to your bed, recite Ayatul Kursi: 'Allah! There is no god but Him,

the Ever-Living, the One Who Sustains and Protects all that exists', to the

end, for then there will remain over you a guardian from Allah, and Satan

will not come near you until morning." (Bukhari).

 

Teaching and Learning are Ongoing Activities in Our Home

 

This is primarily the responsibility of the head of die household who must

ensure that he is guiding his family to the correct path, enjoining them to

do good, and forbidding them from evil. Attaining knowledge is incumbent

upon all members of the family and is the basis upon which Emaan will

flourish, A study circle should be established in the home that covers the

various areas in Islam and from which all family members will benefit.

Children should especially be encouraged to participate since this will

establish a pattern for them that will be carried throughout their

lifetimes.

 

We Have an Islamic Library in Our Home

 

This may include such things as books, cassette tapes, and CDs. It is

important to choose accurate and reliable material that will benefit the

members of the family. There should be a variety of materials to cover all

age levels and language needs of those in the home. Arabic material is

definitely a must since everyone in the family should either know or be

learning to read the language of the Qur'an. Books should cover a variety

of topics, be properly organized, and be easily accessible. Audiotapes and

CDs may include Qur'an recitation, lectures, khutbahs, tapes for children

containing supplications, reminders of Islamic manners, and nasheeds

(religious songs with no musical instruments). Family members should

encourage one another to use these materials on a regular basis, and should

be shared with other Muslim families who may be in need of them.

We Try to Have Morals and Manners Like Prophet Muhammad

The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said; "When Allah wills some good

towards the people of a household. He introduces kindness among them."

(Ahmad, Sahih al-Jaami). He also said: "Allah loves kindness and rewards it

in such a way the He docs not reward for harshness or for anything else."

(Muslim). There are many examples of the Prophet's kindness and good

treatment toward his family that we should try to emulate. He was

affectionate and playful with his wives and children and would help with

household chores to case the burden for his wives. Following his example

will bring tranquility to the home and help to truly make it an abode of

rest.

 

We Know the Islamic Rulings That Pertain to Houses

 

Such as guarding the secrets of the home, seeking permission to enter, not

looking into other people's homes, not allowing children to enter the

parent's bedroom during certain times of the day, and not staying alone

overnight. This last one is interesting to consider since some husbands

travel for their business or work. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wasallam,

actually discouraged this. Ibn Umar reported that the Prophet forbade being

alone and said that a man should not stay overnight alone or travel alone

(Ahmad). Not only will he be alone, but his wife and children are likely to

be left alone in the home without any protection or companionship.

We Invite Righteous and Knowledgeable People to Our Home

"My Lord! Forgive me, and my parents, and him who enters my home as a

believer, and all the believing men and women." [71:28]. Righteous people

who enter your home will bring many benefits due to their presence and

conversations with them. They are more likely to discuss useful topics and

may be excellent sources of information and knowledge. We should always

make du'aa that Allah will bless us with righteous friends since they can

have such positive effects on us. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wasallam,

said: "Keep company with a believer only, and let your food be eaten only

by the righteous." (Abu Dawud, Tirmithi).

 

There are No Evils Within Our Home

 

Television (except possibly for educational programs) and unlawful music

are not allowed in the house; pictures on the wall do not contain animate

beings; there are no statues or anything that resembles statues; dogs are

not present in the house; smoking is not allowed; decorations are kept

simple to avoid excessiveness; the telephone is used for beneficial

purposes and not harmful ones (such as gossiping or backbiting); when

people come to visit, the men and women sit separately. The effects of

these evils on the sanctity of the home should be obvious. For example, the

Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said: "Angels do not enter a house

which has either a dog or a picture in it." (Bukhari).

 

The Physical Aspects of the Home are Conducive to Fulfilling Religious

Obligations

 

It is best for the home to be close to a mosque so that it will be easier

for men to attend the prayers in congregation and for all family members to

visit the mosque for lectures, study groups, and social gatherings. It is

also advisable to find an area where other Muslims live to obtain the

benefits of community. One should definitely be careful about close

neighbors and avoid those who are obviously immoral. When choosing a house,

consideration should be made regarding the availability of separate sitting

areas for men and women. The house should be spacious and fulfil safety and

health requirements.

 

தாய்ப்பால் ஒரு தேசிய சொத்து

தாய்ப்பால் ஒரு தேசிய சொத்து

உலகம் முழுவதும் ஒவ்வொரு ஆண்டு ஆகஸ்டு முதல் நாளும், முதல் வாரமும் தாய்ப்பாலின் முக்கியத்துவத்தை உணர்த்தும் பொருட்டு தாய்ப்பால் வாரமாகக் கடைப்பிடிக்கப்படுகிறது. பிறந்த குழந்தைகளுக்குத் திரவ உணவுகளிலேயே தலைசிறந்ததும், ஈடு இணையற்றதும் தாயின் பாலாகும். தாய்க்கும், குழந்தைக்கும் உள்ள உறவை நெருக்கமாக்கு வதும் தாய்ப்பால்தான்.

உலகிலுள்ள ஏறத்தாழ 4500 வகையான பாலுட்டும் உயிரினங்களில் ஒன்றhன மனித இனத்தில் மட்டுமே தாய்ப்பால் ஊட்டுவதில் பல்வேறு பிரச்சினைகள் உண்டாகின்றன. இயற்கையின் படைப்புகளில், விந்தைகளில், நியதிகளில் தாய்ப்பால் ஊட்டுவதும் ஒன்று* எனவேதான் நாம் பாலுட்டி இனத்தைச் சார்ந்தவர்களாகப் பகுக்கப்படுகின்றோம்.

பொதுவாக அந்தந்த உயிரினங்களுக்கு அதனதன் பாலே உணவாகிறது. எங்காவது ஆடு, பசுவின் பாலைப் பருகுகின்றதா? கழுதை குதிரைப்பாலைக் குடிக்கிறதா? இந்த எல்லா உயிரினங்களிலும் நாம் மட்டுமே மற்ற விலங்குகளின் பாலை விலை கொடுத்து வாங்கிக் குடிக்கின்றேhம். குறிப்பாக அந்தந்த இனத்தின் தேவைக்கேற்ப அந்தந்தப்பால் அமைந்துள்ளது என இயற்கை விதியினை மறந்து புறக்கணிக்கின்றேhம்.

தாய்ப்பால் குழந்தைகளுக்கு மட்டுமல்ல, ஒரு நாட்டிற்கே பொருளாதாரப் பொக்கிஷம். குழந்தைகளை நோய்களிலிருந்து தாய்ப்பால் காப்பதுடன் குடும்பச் செலவுகளையும் குறைக்கின்றது. மூன்று மாதக் குழந்தைக்குப் பால் பவுடர் வாங்கினால் மாதத்திற்கு குறைந்தது ரூபாய் 450 ஆகும். நமது நாட்டில் ஏறக்குறைய 10 கோடி தாய்மார்கள் மட்டுமே தாய்ப்பால் கொடுக்கின்றனர். இவர்கள் கொடுக்கும் தாய்ப்பாலின் மூலதனம் ரூபாய் 6500 கோடியாகும்.

இந்த புட்டிப்பால் பழக்கங்களால் குழந்தை களுக்கு உண்டாகும் வயிற்றுப்போக்கைத் தடுக்க நேரும் செலவு ரூபாய் 176 கோடியாகும்.
தந்த பசி தனையறிந்து முலையமுது தந்து முதுகு தடவிய தாயார்††என அருணகிரிநாதர் தாயின் அன்பினை அவள் குழந்தைக்குப் பால் ஊட்டுவதன் முக்கியத்தின் வாயிலாகப் பாடி யுள்ளார். சீர்காழியில் குளக்கரையில் ……தன் தந்தையைக் காணாமல் தன்னந்தனியே அழுது தவித்துக் கண்களைக் கசக்கிக் கொண்டிருந் தான் ஆளடையப்பிள்ளை†† என்ற ஒரு சிறுவன். அவன் அழுகுரலைக் கேட்டவுடன் மனம் பொறுக்காத உமாதேவியார் அழுகின்ற பிள்ளை மீது அன்பு கொண்டு அணைத் தெடுத்துத் தமது திருமுலைப்பாலை ஊட்ட அச்சிறுவனே பின்னாளில் திருஞான சம்பந்தரானதாக நாம் பெரிய புராணத்தில் படிக்கின்றேhம்.

ஆனால் இன்று, தங்கள் உடல் அழகைப் பேணவேண்டும் என்ற சுய நலத்தோடு, தங்கள் குழந்தைகளுக்குப் பால் கொடுக்காத பெண்களும், இயல்பாகவே பால் சுரப்பு இல்லாத சில அம்மாக்களும், அப்படியே சுரந்தாலும் குழந்தையின் முழுத் தேவைக்கும் பால் இருப்பதில்லை என்பதும், இன்னும் சிலருக்குச் சீக்கிரமே பால் வற்றி விடுவதும் நாம் காணுகின்றோம்.

ஏன் இந்த அவலநிலை? பெண்கள் கர்ப்பகாலத்தில் சத்துள்ள உணவுகளை நிறைவாகச் சாப்பிடாவிட்டால் பிரசவத்திற்குப் பிறகு தாய்ப்பால் சுரப்பதில் பிரச்சினை ஏற்படும். முக்கியமாக ரத்தச் சோகை, புரதச் சத்துக்குறைவு, கால்சியம் பற்றhக்குறை உள்ள பெண்களுக்கு தாய்ப்பால் சுரக்காது. பிரசவம் நெருங்கும் சமயங்களில், பிரசவித்த முதல் ஒரு வார காலத்திலும், தாய்க்குச் சளி, இருமல், காய்ச்சல், வயிற்றுப்போக்கு ஏற்பட்டால் தாய்ப்பால் சுரப்பது குறையும். தாய்ப்பால் சுரப்பதன் சூட்சுமம் தாயிடம் மட்டுமில்லை, குழந்தையிடமும் உள்ளது என்பதை ஒவ்வொரு தாயும் உணர வேண்டும்.

தாய்ப்பால் எளிதில், வெதுவெதுப்பான சூட்டில் தேவைப்படும் போதெல்லாம் குழந்தைக்குக் கிடைக்கக் கூடியது. கலப்படம் செய்ய முடியாதது. உயர்தரப் புரதம், கொழுப்பு, அமினோஅமிலங்கள், தாது உப்புக்கள் மற்றும் லேக்டோ பேசிலஸ் பைபிடஸ்பேக்டர் போன்ற தடுப்புப் பொருட்கள் இவை அனைத்தையும் கொண்ட குழந்தையின் முதல் மூன்று மாதங்களுக்கான ஒரு முழுமையான உணவு.

தாய்ப்பால் தங்கநகை போன்றது, பிற வகை பால்கள் கவரிங் நகை போன்றவை. தாய்ப்பால் குழந்தைக்காக ஆண்டவன் அளித்த அருட்பிரசாதம். தாய்ப்பால் குடிப்பது குழந்தைகளின் பிறப்புரிமை, அதை கொடுக்க வேண்டியது தாயின் கடமை. இனியும் கொடுக்காமல் இருப்பது மிகவும் கொடுமை.

டாக்டர் கே.ஏ.மோகனதாஸ்

 

20 Tips to teach your young kids

 

20 Tips to teach your young kids
How to handle Pornography

Some parents might think the only way to stop the infiltration of pornography into the minds of their children is by simply cutting off the source of the material. They would consider, for instance, not even installing or disconnecting the internet from the home.

But while this may solve the problem temporarily, it does not teach young Muslims how to deal with this material when they see it everywhere else: on television, billboards on the street, or magazines, for instance.

Nor does it encourage them to avoid this material when they have the opportunity to look at it outside of parental control.

Below are some tips to help your child avoid pornography whenever and wherever he or she encounters it. Please note though, this is not a comprehensive list of possibilities, nor should all of the strategies presented be used on your child. Choose the right ones that can help him or her depending on age, and previous exposure to pornography.

Tip #1: Establish your right and authority as a parent to know

This is not something done by yelling and screaming. It's done calmly in all aspects of family life, and should be made clear on other issues, like who has the final say to decide when is bedtime or who decides 14-year-old Ilyas's curfew. Establish parental authority gently and wisely. It's easier to do this when kids are young.

Tip #2: Know the Islamic perspective yourself

Obviously, you cannot give the Islamic perspective by simply talking off the top of your head. You'll need to do your homework. That means finding where in the Quran and Sunnah it says Muslims cannot look at this kind of material.

Additional research could also be done to find more reasons to not look at pornography-for instance, the danger to one's health, concentration, and the way it portrays human beings moms, sisters and daughters.

Tip #3: Teach by example

A son who sees his father ogling dirty magazines, episodes of Baywatch or sneaking peeks at XXX rated sites will, in most cases, not learn to lower his gaze, let alone respect most other aspects of Islamic modesty. Not to mention this dad will have some answering to do in the Court of Allah.

Tip #4: Instill accountability to Allah

Kids need to be gently reminded that Allah, who is very Merciful and Kind, is always watching them, even when mom and dad are not. That means not only should a person be good in front of parents, but more importantly, in front of Allah, who is always watching. This must be done in a way which does not scare the child or make him or her feel resentment towards Allah. Remind your son or daughter that the long-term payoff of this will be that they will be rewarded or punished for their deeds, Insha Allah.

Tip #5: Warn them about Allah's punishment and the Hellfire

While this should not be the sole focus of any Islamic upbringing, when it comes to the issue of pornography, reminding kids of Allah's punishment and the Hellfire could help them. But what should also be mentioned is that Allah is Forgiving and Merciful and if anyone asks His forgiveness and stops doing the wrong thing they were previously involved in, Insha Allah, Allah will forgive them.

Tip #6: Watch TV with them

You can do this by simply taking the remote control, and every time a scene comes up which is inappropriate, quickly changing the channel and making a sound of disgust. This can be used as a form of conditioning, where your child will see pornographic and/or inappropriate material (i.e. nudity, sexual situations, kissing, touching, etc.) and know that this is wrong by your reaction. He or she will associate the two, and Insha Allah, avoid looking at the material even if not under your supervision. Do the same for the internet, magazines and anywhere else it is found. This does not mean seeking these sites or magazines. Rather, when they are encountered, use that moment to show your reaction.

Tip #7: Make family time

Why do people turn to the media, whether it's television or the internet? Because apart from trying to learn or research something or communicating by e-mail, they have time to kill. In other words, they're often bored.

This is why family time at least once a week is important. Whether it's taking everyone out for ice cream on Friday night, going to the Masjid as a family on Sundays for classes and Halaqas, or playing a board game together, keeping the kids entertained the Halal way, together as a family, will reduce boredom and the need to turn to TV and the internet to have fun.

Tip #8: Get them involved in Halal activities

Is there a good young Muslim boys or girls group in your city? Get your son or daughter to join. If not, start one up with the cooperation of other parents. Also, get them involved in things like sports and helping the community, to keep them busy in Halal activities.

Tip #9: Check their friends

More often than not, kids get their information about sex from friends, who often end up misleading them, instead of guiding them. The same is true when it comes to pornographic material. If some friends of your children, you notice, are not involve with Islam or in wrong stuff, warn him or her. If they persist, talk to the parents, and if that does not work, keep your child away from this kid.

By the same token, help your kids befriend those who are practicing Muslims of the same age, who can provide them with fun and companionship, without sacrificing their Islamic principles.

Tip #10: Get involved with their school

If you want to really know what kind of material your kid is being taught and what kinds of ideas he or she is being exposed to, helping out in school is your ticket. Involvement brings access to teachers, the principal and discussion on what is being taught and what's talked about in class discussions. It also means that when you have something to say about the kind of material being viewed or talked about in your child's classroom, your opinion is more likely to be listened to.

Tip #11: When they're old enough, talk about pornography

This should be done in the context of a discussion on modesty, and it should be done discreetly, in a gradual way, according to their age . Talk openly and clearly, asking their opinion about this issue (this is a great way to indirectly find out what friends and peers at school are saying or doing about it), and give them the Islamic perspective.

Tip #12: Install filters or get an internet service which is porn free:

There are many safe surfing tools available for internet and there are TV sets which come equipped for parental blocking of some channels. Invest in these technologies.

Tip #13: Establish the ground rules when you get the internet

A good time to discuss the issue is when the internet is first installed in your home. Apart from setting hours for internet use for every family member, you can also make it clear what kind of material is acceptable to view or not.

Tip #14: Control of the password

To surf the internet, you usually need a password to access it from your computer. The only people in the house who should have this password when the kids are young are mom and dad. No one else. Parents should also keep changing it every couple of weeks or months so the kids don't figure it out.

Tip #15: Keep the computer and TV of the house in a high traffic area

It's harder to watch haram if the computer is in the living room or dining room.

Tip #16: If you catch them looking, get proof before you confront them

Don't respond in this kind of situation by losing your cool. Instead, gather all of the proof you can that they have gone on this site(s) or been looking at these kinds of magazines, for instance, first. This can be done by going to History on the menu bar of your browser to see which sites he or she viewed or has been viewing. You need to be very careful on how you do this. Because unnecessary suspicion may tell them that you do not trust them.

Tip #17: Assume the best and confront them

Don't attack Amina or Junaid if you've caught him/her. Talk openly without accusation. Confront them with the information you've found and ask why they were looking at these sites. If they say it was out of their control, it just came up while they were surfing, take their word for it. But mention again accountability to Allah and His punishment, and talk about trust- how it is broken when these type of things happen intentionally (and assume they are innocent).

Tip #18: Chaperone internet time, sometimes

This can be done occasionally, or it can be done regularly. But it's a good idea to have a "pop inspection", so the kids know mom or dad are watching while they surf or watch television. You could use the opportunity to show them some cool Islamic sites or the Discovery Channel, so they don't feel they are being pronounced guilty until proven innocent.

Tip #19: Have them build their own fabulous Islamic website

Help them build a great Islamic kids' home page or website, full of bright color, games, quizzes, and generally cool stuff so they can help other kids surf right too.

Tip #20: Consider removing the internet, cable, or TV, in the case of repeat offenses

If such sites continue to show up when you check on your kids, or one of them, warn them that if it happens again, the internet will be removed from the home permanently.

www.islamicinterlink.com

Homosexuality and Lesbianism......7 Tips on Talking to Kids About Homosexuality

 

http://www.islamonline.net/

 Homosexuality and Lesbianism

Sexual perversion—homosexuality and lesbianism—finds a great resort and refuge in the Western countries where it is accepted and legalized by the laws of these countries that put man in a position even worse than animals under the pretext of protecting human rights.

In such countries that credit civilization and progress to itself, those people are free to establish their own unions, clubs and forums where they can gather together to discuss their problems and work for further forms of perversion and deviation.

To accept such ignominies as a substitute for the natural human relation between males and females is no more than a big leap towards chaos and following animal instincts. The outcome of accepting such manias will be no less than more destruction, disgrace and degradation brought to the face of mankind.

This act of accepting such perversion is a fierce attack against the rights of women and deep involvement in filthiness.

In his book Problems of Young People: Suggested Solutions Versus Islamic Ones, Dr. `Abbas Mahgoub, states:

"Sexual perversion (homosexuality and lesbianism) can be traced back to the following reasons:

1- The lack of that kind of education that is based on a genuine flexible understanding of Islam. Such an understanding should be free from suppression, compulsion or depression. Due to the widespread misconception that all kinds of contacts between members of the opposite sex are sinful, there is a big sensitivity in this regard.

2- The bad friends who come from different age stages and exchange the social and spiritual emptiness.


3- The lack of proper sex education that informs young men and women about how to satisfy their innate sexual desires according to the laws established by Almighty Allah and keep themselves far remote from any kind of unnatural behavior.

4- The carelessness shown in meeting young people's demands for buying anything they desire and giving them excessive freedom. Such carelessness leads them to deviate, and it is really the responsibility of fathers and mentors to enlighten their children and young people on the importance of moderation in fulfilling such needs.


5- The lack of monitoring. Parents should monitor their children without giving them extreme freedom or suppressing them. A balance should be struck between them and should go hand in hand with guidance and mutual trust and consultation.

6- The lack of true understanding and explanation of the physical and psychological dangers and hazards of adultery, fornication, and sexual perversion in this world and the great punishment of the Hereafter."

In the West, homosexuality is on the increase because youngsters are encouraged by society to date at earlier and earlier ages. When adolescents or even pre-adolescents are not comfortable with the opposite sex, they are not told that this is due to natural shyness at a young age but that they might be homosexual, and they are encouraged to experiment sexually with their same sex.

Sexual perversion, as previously stated, has two main types, namely male homosexuality and lesbianism. Following is a clear discussion of both:

First: Male Homosexuality

The Qur'an tells us the story of the people of Lut (Lot), who deviated from the natural way and got involved in this abnormality, refusing every word of advice from their Prophet Lut. Thus, their destiny was destruction and punishment. Almighty Allah says: "And Lo! (Remember) when he said unto his folk: Will ye commit abomination such as no creature ever did before you? Lo! ye come with lust unto men instead of women. Nay, but ye are wanton folk. And the answer of his people was only that they said (one to another): Turn them out of your township. They are folk, forsooth, who keep pure. And We rescued him and his household, save his wife, who was of those who stayed behind. And We rained a rain upon them. See now the nature of the consequence for evil doers!" (Al-A`raf: 80-84)

The eminent Muslim scholar Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, states:

"Almighty Allah has prohibited illegal sexual intercourse and homosexuality and all means that lead to either of them. This perverted act is a reversal of the natural order, a corruption of man's sexuality, and a crime against the rights of females.

The spread of this depraved practice in a society disrupts its natural life pattern and makes those who practice it slaves to their lusts, depriving them of decent taste, decent morals, and a decent manner of living. The story of the people of Prophet Lut as narrated in the Qur'an should be sufficient for us. Lut's people were addicted to this shameless depravity, abandoning natural, pure, lawful relations with women in the pursuit of this unnatural, foul and illicit practice. That is why their prophet, Lut (peace be upon him) told them: "What! Of all creatures, do you approach males and leave the spouses whom your Lord has created for you? Indeed, you are people transgressing (all limits)!" (Ash-Shu`araa: 165-166)

The strangest expression of these peoples' perversity of nature, lack of guidance, depravity of morals, and aberration of taste was their attitude toward the guests of Prophet Lut (peace be on him), who were angels of punishment in human form sent by Allah to try these people and to expose their perversity. The Qur'an narrates the story: "And when Our messengers came to Lut, he was grieved on their account and did not know how to protect them. He said, 'This is a day of distress.' And his people, who had long since been practicing abominations, came rushing toward him. He said, 'O my people, here are my daughters. They are purer for you, so fear Allah and do not disgrace me in front of my guests. Is there not a single upright man among you?' They said, 'Thou knowest well that we have no right to thy daughters, and certainly thou knowest what we want.' He said, 'If only I had strength to resist you or had some powerful support!' Said (the angels) 'O Lut, truly, we are messengers of thy Lord; they shall not reach thee....'"(Hud: 77-81)
Muslim jurists hold different opinions concerning the punishment for this abominable practice. Should it be the same as the punishment for fornication, or should both the active and passive participants be put to death? While such punishments may seem cruel, they have been suggested to maintain the purity of the Islamic society and to keep it clean of perverted elements."

Moreover, Sheikh Muhammad Saleh Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi scholar and lecturer, adds:

"Islam emphatically forbids this deed [homosexual sex] and prescribes a severe punishment for it in this world and the next. How could it be otherwise, when the Prophet of Islam (peace and blessings be upon him) said: 'Whoever you find committing the sin of the people of Lut, kill them, both the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.' (At-Tirmidhi: 1376) That is, if it is done with consent."

The scholars of Islam, such as Malik, Ash-Shafi`i, Ahmad and Ishaaq said that (the person guilty of this crime) should be stoned, whether he is married or unmarried.

There is no doubt that this act, which goes against the pure human nature created by Allah, by making men content with men and women with women, destroying families, adversely affecting the birth rate, causing the spread of killer diseases, harming the innocent when children are raped, and generally spreading corruption on earth, should be uprooted and stamped out."

Thinking of the wisdom behind prohibiting homosexuality and lesbianism, the following can be said:

First, such acts lead to the spread of passivity among the young generation and destroy their morality, since they cannot practice such perversion except after taking some drugs to create for themselves a virtual atmosphere where they feel fake joy. Sufficient unto any person to feel that his manhood is lost.

Second, it destroys the lives of women whose husbands leave them in pursuit of this perversion and they, in turn, try to find a way to satisfy their sexual needs. In such case, the whole society will be no more than chaos.

Third, it is a fierce attack on progeny and pregnancy, which increases the human race.

Fourth, the dangerous diseases that are caused by it are unavoidable and fatal. Topping these illnesses is HIV/AIDS.

It is because of all these things that Almighty Allah prohibited homosexuality.

Lesbianism

As for lesbianism, it is also no more than a perversion and an attack against the natural relation between a man and a woman.

There is no certain punishment for lesbianism. Still, disciplinary punishment is there for any perverted person who commits it. The Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Islamic Jurisprudence states:

"Muslim jurists agree that there is no certain hadd (punishment) for lesbianism. However, they agree that disciplinary punishment should be administered since it is a sin."

Such an act spoils the doer's character and make her testimony unacceptable, as stated in the above named encyclopedia:

"Muslim Jurists agree that a witness should be morally sound. A pervert cannot be taken as a witness. Since lesbianism is an act of perversion, a lesbian cannot be a witness. Even with the jurists not declaring this openly, it can still be understood from their words and conditions."

7 Tips on Talking to Kids About Homosexuality


"And Lot! (Remember) when he said unto his folk: Will ye commit abomination such as no creature ever did before you?

Lo! ye come with lust unto men instead of women. Nay, but ye are wanton folk." (Quran: 7:80-81)

It's hard enough trying to explain topics like menstruation and sexual intercourse from the Islamic perspective to kids.But this is not where sex education can end.

Homosexuality has gained greater acceptance as an "alternative lifestyle" in the last 10 to 20 years in North America. Not only has this mentality affected adults-it is now affecting kids' way of looking at the gay lifestyle as well.

Public school sex education, under the rubric of "Family Life Education" generally teaches an acceptance of homosexuality, a respect and/or tolerance for it. As is the case with sex education in general, there is little to no moral guidance on the topic. Just a neutral presentation.

Homosexuality, like others matters pertaining to sexuality, is openly discussed in the Quran and Sunnah. We have no excuse as Muslim parents, teachers, community leaders and individuals not to clearly discuss this issue with our kids.

In view of this, Sound Vision has asked Muslim counselor Shahina Siddiqui, Islamic activist and author Ahmad Sakr, and former Islamic school principal Abdalla Idris Ali how Muslims can discuss the issue of homosexuality from the Islamic perspective. Below are some of their suggestions.

Tip #1: Clearly outline what is homosexual behavior

This can be uncomfortable, but a young Muslim, even one who attends Islamic school, most probably has heard about itfrom television, newspapers, radio, and/or non-Muslim friends.

This is also important because in many Muslim cultures, it is not uncommon to find people of the same sex kissing on the cheeks, hugging, or holding hands. None of these actions are deemed sexual in any way. So this is why a child must not confuse real Halal affection between his brothers or her sisters, versus deviant sexual behavior.

In this regard, it may help to read up on the topic a bit before venturing to explain what it is.

Tip #2: Tell them what Islam says about homosexuality, with wisdom

To just say it is Haram, will not usually satisfy Muslim children, especially those who are used to questioning, discussion, and debate.

One point that has to be emphasized is that since Allah is the Creator of human beings, Who created us out of nothing, He knows best what our true needs and desires are. He also knows what is good and bad for us. He sees everything, knows everything and is the wisest and most Merciful. Therefore, the fact that He is telling us that homosexuality is wrong , just as He tells us consuming alcohol is wrong, for example, means that we must heed His warning.

This can be explained in another way. For instance, if 13-year-old Hassan dreams of having his own car, particularly a cherry red Corvette, one day Insha Allah, you can use his interest in cars to explain homosexuality like this: who knows what makes the Corvette tick, what causes its engine problems or how often it needs to get a tune up? Obviously the people who manufacture the Corvette, and who have provided its instruction manual to guarantee it runs as smoothly as possible, with little to no problems. The manufacturers of the Corvette also know what kinds of things a driver or owner of the car should not do to cause the car damage or destruction.

Similarly, Allah has created us, He is our Maker. He knows what makes us tick. He knows what can improve our bodies and minds and those things that can destroy them. He has provided not just an instruction manual (the Quran), but also a model to follow (The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him). If we trust the people who have manufactured the Corvette, then why can't we trust Allah?

What can also be done is to explain the harms associated with homosexuality. Some of these, says Siddiqui, include diseases like AIDS, the fact that this kind of sexual relationship does nothing to advance human civilization even in terms of population (in other words, homosexuals do not even procreate).

This point is important because one of the main aims of sex is to produce children in order to continue human life. Homosexuality does not yield any children. It is a relationship purely for the sake of pleasure, which is not only unnatural, but leads to disease and death.

As well, provide references from the Quran in your discussion on the Islamic position. Ahmad Sakr gives the following:

7: 80-84
11: 74-83
15: 61-75
21: 74-75

26:160-175
27: 54-58
29: 28-35

37:133-138
54: 33-39
66: 10

Tip #3: Get them to write a paper or do an assignment about it

If Aminah or Saeed are in their teens, get them to research the topic and write a paper on homosexuality, suggests Idris Ali. Provide books that give the Islamic perspective. This is a good way for them to grasp the concept, and who knows, maybe in the course of their research they will find another good reason homosexuality should not be practiced.

Tip #4: Make it clear people are not born that way

"We're born that way, so deal with it," is the mantra of a number of gays. This is not true.

"They are putting the blame on God," says Sakr. "If it is true, why in the world does God have to send an earthquake to the people of Lot in [the northern] part of Palestine, because they were the first group of people who started committing homosexuality."

If people were born to commit homosexual acts, Allah who is most Merciful, would not have destroyed Prophet Lut's community. These people had an opportunity to change. They did not, and Allah destroyed them. This is a test Shaytan puts in our way.

Tip #5: Make the distinction between desires and actions

It should be noted that some people may have the desire to engage in homosexual sex, but that does not mean they have acted on that. In Islam the punishment is for the act, not the feelings.

Allah does not hold us responsible for our bad thoughts as long as we don't act on them.

A Muslim who develops homosexual desires, but does not act on them must fast and seek the sincere help and guidance of Allah to turn away from this lifestyle. S/he must also not dwell on these kinds of thoughts. Which leads to the next point.

Tip #6: Emphasize the importance of Islamic practice in keeping these desires away

The only way we can truly protect ourselves from homosexuality, whether it is in the development of feelings, or in the actual sexual practice of it is to always remember Allah.

This means following the basics: prayers, fasting, Dua, etc. Even the basics done sincerely and regularly can, Insha Allah, provide a fortress against Shaytan.

Sakr says fasting in particular, is useful in controlling lust, and recommends doing so on Mondays and Thursdays.

As well, we can point out that if a person is having these desires, it can be a test from Allah, as well as an example of how Shaytan tries to turn us away from Allah.

In addition, we should advise ourselves and our kids to seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan by saying Aoutho billahi minash Shaytan ir Rajeem (I seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan the accursed) as well as reading Surah al Nas, the last Surah of the Quran, which mentions the whispering of Shaytan.

Tip #7: Emphasize the importance of and maintain Islamic rules of modesty, even with the same sex

How many of us watch television shows replete with sexual foreplay, titillation and innuendo? These types of "innocent" displays of sexuality are dangerous, to say the least. They put wrong ideas into the mind and are Haram for us to watch.

This is where lowering the gaze comes in.

As well, maintaining an Islamic dress code even in front of the same sex, is important. In Islam, for example, a man cannot see the body of another man between the naval and knees.

Contrast this with high school gym classes, where boys will often shower together, usually in complete nudity. The same happens in girls' locker rooms. Parents and Muslim communities must be on guard against these types of situations, which are not only dangerous to a young Muslim's Islamic practice, but can also make them the prey of gays and/or lesbians.

Another practice relating to modesty between brothers and sisters is to have separate beds or bedrooms for brothers and sisters, especially after the age of 10. Care should also be given to respecting the privacy of both the same and opposite gender when changing clothes for example, or in the shower. Permission should be sought before entering a room, where someone may be in a state of undress.

www.soundvision.com

For your Kids....

SalafiPublications.Com

Latest Articles: Wordsearch Puzzle - The Prophets When The Kabah Was Built Tremendous Qualities of Him Who Deservers All Worship Shaykh as-Sa`dee on Explaining and Defining the Categories of Tawheed The Greatest Danger Before Any Other Danger The Greatest Benefit Before Any Other Benefit The Peak of Sincerity It's the Day of Eid ul-Fitr The Whole Sunnah Demonstrates Tawheed The Whole Quraan Deals with Tawheed Tawheed4Kids Teaching the basic concepts of Tawheed suitable for younger children. Poems4Kids A series of 50 poems specially written for children. Geography4Kids An Illustrated Study to Geograpy as a Clue to Faith. A look at the earth and universe in light of the Qur'an. Covers around 25 topics along with commentary from classical tafsirs. School4Kids Guidelines for children concerning their behaviour at school, and ensuring they fulfil the objectives for which they attend school. Stories4Kids Short stories, in the form of poems and otherwise, that teach morals and manners and lessons about Islamic teachings. Quizzes4Kids Interactive quizzes on many different Islamic topics to test your child's all round Islamic knowledge. Alphabet4Kids Articles and resources to assist in teaching the English Alphabet to Kids Events4Kids Materials covering important days and events in the Muslim calendar. WordSearch4Kids A collection of wordsearch puzzles covering the basics of Imaan and Islaam and other subjects. All Rights Reserved, Salafi Publications, 1995-2002 salafipublications.com - salafibookstore.com - thenoblequran.com - islam4kids.com - salafiaudio.com

Influencing the Behaviour of Muslim Youth and Their Parents

Influencing the Behaviour of Muslim Youth and Their Parents
by Shahid Athar , M. D.

The purpose of this article is to evaluate the factors influencing the behavior of children and how to modify them so that they grow as model citizens practicing Islam in their community, become a source of joy and comfort to their parents, and maintain family harmony.

The behavior of growing children is influenced by many factors that include their parents and other close relatives, teachers, peers at school, community and the media. Lack of discipline and civilized behavior at school is a major problem in the U.S., the fallout of which is also seen at home! With broken families and the absence of a father at home, this becomes a major problem for single mothers raising a teenager.

Muslim children, although distinct in their value system, still are exposed to and affected by what they see and learn. In Islamic teachings, great emphasis has been placed on moral conduct and behavior.

The Quran says, "Lo, the noblest of you, in the sight of God, is (the one) best in conduct. Lo, God is knower, Aware" (49:13).

"By the soul, and the proportion and order given to it, and its enlightenment as to its wrong, and its right. Truly he succeeds that purifies it (the soul), and he fails that corrupts it" (91:7-10).

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said, "I have been sent to perfect your conduct" (Bukhari and Muslim). "A fathers' teaching his child good manners is better than giving a bushel of grain (in charity)" (Bukhari).

Children are very susceptible to any and every influence. It has been said, "They are like molten cement. Anything that falls on them makes a lasting impression." Their minds are like virgin soil, ready to accept any seed. As they grow, their organs of reception start working and accept new ideas and influences. It is up to us to screen the experiential factors that influence a child's development so that they can learn to accept the right ideas and behaviors and reject the wrong influences.

The parents (and close relatives living with them like uncles and grandparents) have only 25% influence in a 6-16 year old child. 50% is by peers at school or in the community. 25% is from the teachers and other sources of education outside home i.e. media, mainly TV (and magazines for older youths). The influence of parents is high during early age (0-8 years, up to 80%), but as the child discovers new friends and ideas, he or she grows independent from the influence of parents.
 

The American scene

The American scene of the behavior of children and adults is changing. While it is difficult to qualify the behavior at home, the same at school has been published. What is happening in our homes is reflective of what's happening outside homes and vice versa According to a study conducted by Fullerton California Police Department of Education,l the leading school discipline problem in 1940 was talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the hallways, getting out of place in line, wearing improper clothing and not putting paper in the wastebasket, etc. In 1980 the major problems were drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery, assault, burglary, arson, and bombing. The Indianapolis public schools conducted a behavior discipline survey.2 It reported the following activities in the hall: Grabbing 69%, pushing 84%, hitting 82%, kicking 48%, slapping 57%, pinching 66%, fighting 78% and tripping 62%. There is also a high percentage of physical violence by teacher against student (22%) and by student against teacher (42%). We leave our children at school in such an environment for 30-40 hours per week and then expect them to develop into angels.

While the parents can do little to affect other influences, some suggestions can be made in this regard.

PEERS

Keep children in the company of good Muslim children after school and during weekends to dilute the unavoidable influence of undesirable elements at school.

SCHOOL

Choose a school in a good location (neighborhood) irrespective of it being private or public. Get to know the teachers personally and interact with them. Only the neglected children create wrong impression at school and expose themselves to various abuses. Supervise their homework.

MEDIA

Watch TV with your children, and select good educational and entertainment programs. Comment on the negative aspects of the program. Cut down the TV hour to less than 1 1/2 hours on weekdays and 2 1/2 hours on weekends. Do not buy rock music tapes (out of love for your child) nor allow him/her to listen to any hard rock. Encourage outdoor activity in preference to indoor (e.g. TV/music). Encourage them to read newspapers, good magazines (National Geographic) and Islamic periodicals.
 

Role of parents in influencing the behaviour of their children

As I have said many times, "Children will become what we want them to be if we are what we want them to be." Children cannot be expected to practice Islam by sending them to Sunday school if we are not doing that ourselves in our day to day life. If we want them to get up early in the morning to perform the prescribed prayer, we have to do it ourselves and ask them to join us. If we want them to read the Quran, we should read with them and so on.

LOVE

Growing children may not take an order, but will do things out of love and respect for their parents. So love and respect on a mutual basis is our best weapon against all the negative influences on them. Parental love should be unconditional and on biological grounds rather than on their achievements at school or in sports. Love should not be confused with unlimited permissiveness or with closed eyes towards a child's faults. Criticizing certain faults of the child should not diminish the love by the parents.

INFORMATION

Children are not bom knowing everything right or wrong in social norms. They need clear guidelines about good and bad behavior, Islamic and un-Islamic way of life. The greatest effect is of the parent's attitude and example rather than the words in a book. If children see their parents not practicing what they themselves are told to practice they become rebellious and non-believers (in the value system). A typical example is of alcoholism in the American scene. Children are told it is bad for you until you are 18, while it is not bad for the parents. Therefore children seeing this as hypocrisy, rebel and get alcohol, not from a liquor store, but from their own home or from a friend at parties. Therefore, parents should set the same standards for themselves as they set for their children, and share with them information of all kinds whether related to the outside world or inside the family. It is not the knowledge which hurts, but the lack of it or misuse of it which causes problems.

DECISIONS

Parents should help children make appropriate decisions and be responsible for their decisions. Younger children can only make decisions about the present (i.e. what clothes to wear that day), but grown-ups can make decisions that may affect their future, under parental guidance (i.e. selection of career, school and hobbies). Children left to grow on their own, will regret a lack of direction they had in their childhood. Children should be taught how to be responsible by being given the chance to share household work, keep their desk and room clean and how to handle their "own" money. Let them spend all their money and suffer from the lack of it. A sense of deprivation once in awhile is good for them as long as the reason for deprivation is explained well.
 

Problems with parents
 

If the parents are authoritarian, the child becomes fearful of making mistakes, starts lying for the fear of being punished and feels insecure. Unfortunately, abused children become abusers when they grow up. The parent should remember that the only absolute authority in the house is the Will of God, and everyone has to submit to His Will, in order to expect submission from a younger person.

If the parents are emotionally disturbed and depressed themselves they will not have time for the children, leading them to withdraw, become depressed or develop anti-social activities.

If the parents are perfectionists and expect the child to be perfect all the time, the child will have two options. Either he or she will live up to the expectations, or will develop opposite tendencies, i.e. a teenager keeping his or her room messy to get back at the "ever cleaning" mom. Parents should not make "all" the choices for their children, but help in their individual growth.

The over-protective, anxious parent cannot raise a confident child ready to deal with the real life. This child will feel danger everywhere. While the child has to be supervised, he or she does not need the physical presence of the parent at all time. They should raise a strong child, strong enough to carry on their work if they meet a sudden death themselves.

The parent who cannot say no to a child, spoils him or her by providing him or her with every wish every time. This child will demand whatever he or she wants immediately and put on a manipulative show to get it. One parent complained how their five year old will stop breathing until she got what she wanted. The parents have to learn to control their love and discipline themselves in order to discipline their children The child's necessary desires should be met according to the means of the family, but a time may come when a firm no should be put into practice.

Parents who take sides in sibling rivalry encourage jealousy and hate. They should not prefer boys over girls or the reverse and fair complexion over dark ones, bright ones over less bright, but try to be fair to all of them and neutral in their fights.
 

How parents can communicate with their children

Neither party can influence the other unless they communicate. This is a serious problem in American families. One father told me that at best all his teenage daughter would say to him would be "Hi" one or two times a day. This can be substituted by a "peace be upon you," (as-salam alaykum) in a Muslim family in which parents and teenagers are not getting along well. One should avoid getting into this stage of strained communication.
 

Find a time and place to talk to your children. Children are sometimes in a "bad mood" upon returning from school, loaded with home work, as are parents in the afternoon with a busy day at work. The best time to have a chat is during breakfast and evening dinner together. Better than this is allotting ten minutes after either the evening or night prescribed prayer or even better, after the dawn prescribed prayer, if time pemits. During this session, the parent can inform the children of all the good things they did that day and ask the children the same and share their problems.

When you do argue, do it patiently, one person speaking at a time. Be specific and separate emotions from facts. Speak in a low voice. Screaming decreases the intake of the message. Finding fault may make you look like a winner, but remember, just as we want God to forget and forgive our faults, we should do the same for others.

Practice active listening to each other's view, even if you don't agree. For religious issues consult the Quran or the Traditions together, rather than quoting from your memory.

Refrain from sarcasm, name calling, humiliation, pointing your finger, etc. Read God's injunction about these again and again in Surah Al-Hujurat (49th Surah).

Encourage each other even in areas of shortcomings, rather than making fun or making a negative remark. If your child brings a B report, then instead of, "I doubt you will ever improve or pass your exam," say "A 'B' is better than a 'C', and I am sure you are talented enough to do better. Perhaps I can help you in the areas that you have difficulties at school?"
 

Influencing the behaviour through daily household chores

The purpose of giving them some chores, is to keep them busy as well as teach them some responsibility. Initially it may be boring, but it will eventually become routine. The assignment should be according to age (and not the sex of the child) and should include setting the table to begin with, then washing dishes, laundry, taking out the garbage or just helping in the garden. However, children should not be forced into doing things, otherwise they will rebel. By the same token, they should not be penalized for mistakes. The best payment for a job is a smile, hug, thank you or praising the child to others, rather than money. While it may be all right to give an allowance, it should not be tied to the job. Otherwise the child will want money for everything. An eleven year old told his mom, "You need to know only three things about kids. Don't hit them too much, don't yell at them too much, and don't do too much for them."
 

How about infants and pre-schoolers?

While studies mainly refer to children ages 6-16 years, the small ones should not be neglected. In fact, in the first year of life, it is the behavior of the parent (especially the mother) which is so crucial and has nearly 90 percent influence. Then, as the child grows, identification with the parent of the same sex may make the influence of that parent more important. The boys watch their father more closely doing mechanical work and girls observe moms carefully doing household work. Sometimes it may be reversed. It is at this time that parents can inject love and respect into children by their example of mutual love and respect for each other and for the children. It is also at this age that doing things together including playing, watching TV, reading, etc. will help establish the foundations (trust, self-confidence, ability, etc.) of open communication. In terms of practice of religion, it comes from observing their parents and doing the practices together. If nice manners are programmed into them before they are introduced to the general population, it is doubtful they would get the infection of misbehavior.
 

Bill of rights for Muslim children
 

Muslim children have the right to learn and practice Islam even if one of their parents is a non-Muslim, or non-practicing Muslim.

They have a right to be treated as a person, in an environment that is conducive to their growth and maturity and to become useful citizens.

They have a right to receive love, care, discipline, and protection from their parents.

They have a right to receive education, and financial protection for the future.
 

Bill of rights for Muslim parents
 

Parents have a right to receive love, respect and affection from their children as mentioned in the Quran.

Parents have a right to educate and discipline their children as men- tioned in the Quran and shown by the example of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH]

Parents have a right to know more about their children, and moni- tor other influences affecting them.

Parents have a right to say no to unusual financial and other demands of children.
 

Finally, I end this article with a verse from the Quran.

"Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them any word of contempt, nor repulse them, but address them in terms of honor, and out of kindness lower to them your wings of submission, and say, 'My Lord, have mercy on them as they cared for me in my childhood"' (17:23-24).
 

by Shahid Athar , M. D.

The purpose of this article is to evaluate the factors influencing the behavior of children and how to modify them so that they grow as model citizens practicing Islam in their community, become a source of joy and comfort to their parents, and maintain family harmony.

The behavior of growing children is influenced by many factors that include their parents and other close relatives, teachers, peers at school, community and the media. Lack of discipline and civilized behavior at school is a major problem in the U.S., the fallout of which is also seen at home! With broken families and the absence of a father at home, this becomes a major problem for single mothers raising a teenager.

Muslim children, although distinct in their value system, still are exposed to and affected by what they see and learn. In Islamic teachings, great emphasis has been placed on moral conduct and behavior.

The Quran says, "Lo, the noblest of you, in the sight of God, is (the one) best in conduct. Lo, God is knower, Aware" (49:13).

"By the soul, and the proportion and order given to it, and its enlightenment as to its wrong, and its right. Truly he succeeds that purifies it (the soul), and he fails that corrupts it" (91:7-10).

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said, "I have been sent to perfect your conduct" (Bukhari and Muslim). "A fathers' teaching his child good manners is better than giving a bushel of grain (in charity)" (Bukhari).

Children are very susceptible to any and every influence. It has been said, "They are like molten cement. Anything that falls on them makes a lasting impression." Their minds are like virgin soil, ready to accept any seed. As they grow, their organs of reception start working and accept new ideas and influences. It is up to us to screen the experiential factors that influence a child's development so that they can learn to accept the right ideas and behaviors and reject the wrong influences.

The parents (and close relatives living with them like uncles and grandparents) have only 25% influence in a 6-16 year old child. 50% is by peers at school or in the community. 25% is from the teachers and other sources of education outside home i.e. media, mainly TV (and magazines for older youths). The influence of parents is high during early age (0-8 years, up to 80%), but as the child discovers new friends and ideas, he or she grows independent from the influence of parents.
 

The American scene

The American scene of the behavior of children and adults is changing. While it is difficult to qualify the behavior at home, the same at school has been published. What is happening in our homes is reflective of what's happening outside homes and vice versa According to a study conducted by Fullerton California Police Department of Education,l the leading school discipline problem in 1940 was talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the hallways, getting out of place in line, wearing improper clothing and not putting paper in the wastebasket, etc. In 1980 the major problems were drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery, assault, burglary, arson, and bombing. The Indianapolis public schools conducted a behavior discipline survey.2 It reported the following activities in the hall: Grabbing 69%, pushing 84%, hitting 82%, kicking 48%, slapping 57%, pinching 66%, fighting 78% and tripping 62%. There is also a high percentage of physical violence by teacher against student (22%) and by student against teacher (42%). We leave our children at school in such an environment for 30-40 hours per week and then expect them to develop into angels.

While the parents can do little to affect other influences, some suggestions can be made in this regard.

PEERS

Keep children in the company of good Muslim children after school and during weekends to dilute the unavoidable influence of undesirable elements at school.

SCHOOL

Choose a school in a good location (neighborhood) irrespective of it being private or public. Get to know the teachers personally and interact with them. Only the neglected children create wrong impression at school and expose themselves to various abuses. Supervise their homework.

MEDIA

Watch TV with your children, and select good educational and entertainment programs. Comment on the negative aspects of the program. Cut down the TV hour to less than 1 1/2 hours on weekdays and 2 1/2 hours on weekends. Do not buy rock music tapes (out of love for your child) nor allow him/her to listen to any hard rock. Encourage outdoor activity in preference to indoor (e.g. TV/music). Encourage them to read newspapers, good magazines (National Geographic) and Islamic periodicals.
 

Role of parents in influencing the behaviour of their children

As I have said many times, "Children will become what we want them to be if we are what we want them to be." Children cannot be expected to practice Islam by sending them to Sunday school if we are not doing that ourselves in our day to day life. If we want them to get up early in the morning to perform the prescribed prayer, we have to do it ourselves and ask them to join us. If we want them to read the Quran, we should read with them and so on.

LOVE

Growing children may not take an order, but will do things out of love and respect for their parents. So love and respect on a mutual basis is our best weapon against all the negative influences on them. Parental love should be unconditional and on biological grounds rather than on their achievements at school or in sports. Love should not be confused with unlimited permissiveness or with closed eyes towards a child's faults. Criticizing certain faults of the child should not diminish the love by the parents.

INFORMATION

Children are not bom knowing everything right or wrong in social norms. They need clear guidelines about good and bad behavior, Islamic and un-Islamic way of life. The greatest effect is of the parent's attitude and example rather than the words in a book. If children see their parents not practicing what they themselves are told to practice they become rebellious and non-believers (in the value system). A typical example is of alcoholism in the American scene. Children are told it is bad for you until you are 18, while it is not bad for the parents. Therefore children seeing this as hypocrisy, rebel and get alcohol, not from a liquor store, but from their own home or from a friend at parties. Therefore, parents should set the same standards for themselves as they set for their children, and share with them information of all kinds whether related to the outside world or inside the family. It is not the knowledge which hurts, but the lack of it or misuse of it which causes problems.

DECISIONS

Parents should help children make appropriate decisions and be responsible for their decisions. Younger children can only make decisions about the present (i.e. what clothes to wear that day), but grown-ups can make decisions that may affect their future, under parental guidance (i.e. selection of career, school and hobbies). Children left to grow on their own, will regret a lack of direction they had in their childhood. Children should be taught how to be responsible by being given the chance to share household work, keep their desk and room clean and how to handle their "own" money. Let them spend all their money and suffer from the lack of it. A sense of deprivation once in awhile is good for them as long as the reason for deprivation is explained well.
 

Problems with parents
 

If the parents are authoritarian, the child becomes fearful of making mistakes, starts lying for the fear of being punished and feels insecure. Unfortunately, abused children become abusers when they grow up. The parent should remember that the only absolute authority in the house is the Will of God, and everyone has to submit to His Will, in order to expect submission from a younger person.

If the parents are emotionally disturbed and depressed themselves they will not have time for the children, leading them to withdraw, become depressed or develop anti-social activities.

If the parents are perfectionists and expect the child to be perfect all the time, the child will have two options. Either he or she will live up to the expectations, or will develop opposite tendencies, i.e. a teenager keeping his or her room messy to get back at the "ever cleaning" mom. Parents should not make "all" the choices for their children, but help in their individual growth.

The over-protective, anxious parent cannot raise a confident child ready to deal with the real life. This child will feel danger everywhere. While the child has to be supervised, he or she does not need the physical presence of the parent at all time. They should raise a strong child, strong enough to carry on their work if they meet a sudden death themselves.

The parent who cannot say no to a child, spoils him or her by providing him or her with every wish every time. This child will demand whatever he or she wants immediately and put on a manipulative show to get it. One parent complained how their five year old will stop breathing until she got what she wanted. The parents have to learn to control their love and discipline themselves in order to discipline their children The child's necessary desires should be met according to the means of the family, but a time may come when a firm no should be put into practice.

Parents who take sides in sibling rivalry encourage jealousy and hate. They should not prefer boys over girls or the reverse and fair complexion over dark ones, bright ones over less bright, but try to be fair to all of them and neutral in their fights.
 

How parents can communicate with their children

Neither party can influence the other unless they communicate. This is a serious problem in American families. One father told me that at best all his teenage daughter would say to him would be "Hi" one or two times a day. This can be substituted by a "peace be upon you," (as-salam alaykum) in a Muslim family in which parents and teenagers are not getting along well. One should avoid getting into this stage of strained communication.
 

Find a time and place to talk to your children. Children are sometimes in a "bad mood" upon returning from school, loaded with home work, as are parents in the afternoon with a busy day at work. The best time to have a chat is during breakfast and evening dinner together. Better than this is allotting ten minutes after either the evening or night prescribed prayer or even better, after the dawn prescribed prayer, if time pemits. During this session, the parent can inform the children of all the good things they did that day and ask the children the same and share their problems.

When you do argue, do it patiently, one person speaking at a time. Be specific and separate emotions from facts. Speak in a low voice. Screaming decreases the intake of the message. Finding fault may make you look like a winner, but remember, just as we want God to forget and forgive our faults, we should do the same for others.

Practice active listening to each other's view, even if you don't agree. For religious issues consult the Quran or the Traditions together, rather than quoting from your memory.

Refrain from sarcasm, name calling, humiliation, pointing your finger, etc. Read God's injunction about these again and again in Surah Al-Hujurat (49th Surah).

Encourage each other even in areas of shortcomings, rather than making fun or making a negative remark. If your child brings a B report, then instead of, "I doubt you will ever improve or pass your exam," say "A 'B' is better than a 'C', and I am sure you are talented enough to do better. Perhaps I can help you in the areas that you have difficulties at school?"
 

Influencing the behaviour through daily household chores

The purpose of giving them some chores, is to keep them busy as well as teach them some responsibility. Initially it may be boring, but it will eventually become routine. The assignment should be according to age (and not the sex of the child) and should include setting the table to begin with, then washing dishes, laundry, taking out the garbage or just helping in the garden. However, children should not be forced into doing things, otherwise they will rebel. By the same token, they should not be penalized for mistakes. The best payment for a job is a smile, hug, thank you or praising the child to others, rather than money. While it may be all right to give an allowance, it should not be tied to the job. Otherwise the child will want money for everything. An eleven year old told his mom, "You need to know only three things about kids. Don't hit them too much, don't yell at them too much, and don't do too much for them."
 

How about infants and pre-schoolers?

While studies mainly refer to children ages 6-16 years, the small ones should not be neglected. In fact, in the first year of life, it is the behavior of the parent (especially the mother) which is so crucial and has nearly 90 percent influence. Then, as the child grows, identification with the parent of the same sex may make the influence of that parent more important. The boys watch their father more closely doing mechanical work and girls observe moms carefully doing household work. Sometimes it may be reversed. It is at this time that parents can inject love and respect into children by their example of mutual love and respect for each other and for the children. It is also at this age that doing things together including playing, watching TV, reading, etc. will help establish the foundations (trust, self-confidence, ability, etc.) of open communication. In terms of practice of religion, it comes from observing their parents and doing the practices together. If nice manners are programmed into them before they are introduced to the general population, it is doubtful they would get the infection of misbehavior.
 

Bill of rights for Muslim children
 

Muslim children have the right to learn and practice Islam even if one of their parents is a non-Muslim, or non-practicing Muslim.

They have a right to be treated as a person, in an environment that is conducive to their growth and maturity and to become useful citizens.

They have a right to receive love, care, discipline, and protection from their parents.

They have a right to receive education, and financial protection for the future.
 

Bill of rights for Muslim parents
 

Parents have a right to receive love, respect and affection from their children as mentioned in the Quran.

Parents have a right to educate and discipline their children as men- tioned in the Quran and shown by the example of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH]

Parents have a right to know more about their children, and moni- tor other influences affecting them.

Parents have a right to say no to unusual financial and other demands of children.
 

Finally, I end this article with a verse from the Quran.

"Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them any word of contempt, nor repulse them, but address them in terms of honor, and out of kindness lower to them your wings of submission, and say, 'My Lord, have mercy on them as they cared for me in my childhood"' (17:23-24).