Teaching your Child about Islam
Freda Shamma PhD
Children are born in a state of fitra (purity) and then
their parents teach them to be
believers or unbelievers. According to the Musnad Ibn Hanbal, "The
children of the unbelievers are
better than you grown-ups. Every living creature is born with a
righteous nature." It is our
obligation and duty as parents to teach our children so that they
grow up to be believing, practicing
Muslims. Sending the child to an Islamic weekend school or to a
full-time Islamic school is an
important but minor part of their Islamic education. The
major 'institution of learning' for each
child is his family, and the major 'professors' of this institution
are the parents.
ROLE MODELING
The most effective way to teach anything to anybody is
to be a role model. This is
why Allah sent human beings as prophets to all peoples. Whether we
willingly accept this job or
not, it is a fact that your child learns how to function in life by
watching what you do. Even the
absent parent is role modeling to the degree that a boy, whose
father abandoned his family, will
probably treat his own children the same way.
Every time we deal with our children, we are teaching
them, whether we intend to or
not. There is a famous poem by an anonymous author that depicts
this vividly. It begins:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
Therefore we must examine carefully how we deal with our child in
order to have a desirable end
result. This same poem continues:
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
POSITIVE VS. NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
As the above poem indicates, negative comments and
treatment result in negative
attributes in our children, and positive comments and treatment
result in positive results. The term
'positive and negative reinforcement' is popular in modern
psychology, but it was advocated by the
Qu'ran and the actions and sayings of Prophet Muhammad (May Allah's
peace and blessings be upon
him), 1400 years ago. How do we use positive reinforcement to teach
our children?
Young children are basically good. Furthermore they
want to please their parents.
When you praise them for their good behavior by telling them that
Papa and/or Mama is happy with
their action, you are using positive reinforcement. Unfortunately
many parents ignore their child's
good actions and only comment on the bad actions. Let us take an
example.
EXAMPLE
Iman is three years old and has a baby brother, Samir,
who is one. She gets out her
blocks to play with and of course Samir crawls over to get
involved. She gives him a red block and
then proceeds to build a tower. Samir grows tired of his one block
and tries to get more. In the
process he knocks down the tower. Iman reacts angrily and grabs all
the blocks and tells her
brother that he can't play with any of the blocks. Her mother hears
her and shouts at her angrily,
"Iman you are a bad girl not to share with your brother. Give him
some blocks!
Iman did two actions concerning her brother: 1. She gave
him a block and 2. She took
the blocks away. She received attention from her mother for the bad
actions. This teaches her
that if she wants attention from her mother, she should NOT share.
How else could the mother have handled it? If she had
praised Iman when she first
shared ("Iman, what a nice sister you are, to share with your
brother. I'm so happy to see you do
that."), then Iman would remember that her doing 'good' resulted in
her mother's attention. When
her brother knocks over her blocks, her first inclination will
probably be to grab all the blocks
but if her mother is there to console her and encourage her to try
again ("Oh Iman, it's too bad
that Samir knocked over your blocks. He was trying to play with
you, but he is too little to be good
at making towers. Why don't you build a little tower for him to
play with, and then you can build
a big one for yourself."), then she will happily give him more
blocks. She will want to share next
time as well because that action got her mother's attention.
INTEGRATING ISLAM INTO LIFE
One of the most important aspects of raising your
children to be Muslims is to
introduce the idea that Allah is also happy with their good
actions. If you say that what they did or
are doing is making you and Allah happy, then the child begins to
associate good behavior with
acting for the pleasure of Allah, which in a nutshell, is exactly
what being a good Muslim involves.
Can you say anything better of a believer other than that he/she
does everything fi sabillah (for
the sake of Allah)?
BAD CHILDREN
The child who errs is forgiven by Allah, and if he dies
in childhood, he automatically
goes to heaven. This mercy of Allah should guide us as we guide our
children. It is not
necessary to make the child fearful of Allah or fearful of going to
hell. In fact, this approach is
counter productive - it often achieves the very result we are trying
to avoid. Stressing the negative
and the punishment makes the child want to avoid anything to do with
the religion. He or she
grows up thinking that it is religion that keeps him from enjoying
life.
ATTRIBUTES OF ALLAH
When you are talking to children under the age of
twelve, stress the characteristics
of Allah that will give him security and assurances as he grows and
encounters fearful situations
and unknowns. He needs to be aware of the many blessings Allah has
given to him to help him enjoy
and cope with his life. And he needs to understand which actions
Allah will be pleased with,
rather than worry over punishment for mistakes he knows he will
make.
ISLAM AND DAILY LIFE
Too often when parents think about talking to their
children about Islam, they
concentrate on the ritual of the five pillars. They teach them how
to make salat (required prayer), and
they teach them some short Qur'anic surat (chapters). These are
important, but don't forget that
Islam is a total way of life, and every aspect has an Islamic
element that you need to talk about
and demonstrate for your child. When the father goes off to work,
the mother can say 'Good bye'
or she can say 'Assalamu alaikum' and add its meaning in
English, 'may Allah's peace be with you".
As she and the young child start to do something together, she can
mention that the father is
doing what Allah says a good father should do - working to take care
of the family. She can also
mention, and the father should also mention it frequently, that she
is trying to please Allah by doing
many things to help her child and the family. When the child helps
her mother clean off the
table, the mother should mention that Allah is pleased with children
who help their parents.
Mentioning the Islamic aspect does not imply nor suggest that you
need to deliver lectures about Islam to
your child. No child wants to sit still long enough to hear a
lecture about anything. The
effective teaching comes as short comments or stories that point out
the Islamic nature of the action.
When the parents pay zakat (yearly compulsory tax), they should
mention the fact to their
children. When they visit the sick, they should quote a Qur'anic
ayah (verse) or hadith (story about
Prophet Muhammad) which indicates that this action pleases Allah.
When there are two ways that a child
can respond to a situation, the parent can mentions nicely which way
will be pleasing to Allah.
The constant reference to Allah, the constant
encouragement to do what is right, and
the constant praise and positive reinforcement for doing the right
actions, will focus your child
on the right path.
ADOLESCENCE
As our children reach adolescence, they begin to
question what they have been taught,
especially if most of the youth they associate with are non-Muslims,
or non-practicing Muslims.
If you have already established a positive relationship
with your youth, then your
teenage child will come to you with his/her questions and concerns.
Do not mistake these questions
and worries as a rebellion against you or against their religion.
They see the kids at school
dating, and it looks like fun. 'Why shouldn't we date?' they
wonder. Be happy that your youth feels
comfortable coming to you with these issues.
If you have not established a positive relationship with
your child by this time, you
will probably have a big problem on your hands, because your youth
will have the same questions,
but he won't come to you for a discussion about them. He will be
seeking his answers from his
friends, and if his friends are not actively practicing Muslims, he
may be getting answers that go
against Islam.
Why do some parents and youth have a positive
relationship and others do not? There
are at least two important factors here: time and what kind of
time? Did the parents spend time
with their children as they were growing up? Did they make a
practice of asking their children about
their school, their friends, their opinions on various things, and
then LISTEN to their answers?
Remember positive reinforcement? What kind of time do
the parents spend with their
children? Is it based on positive reinforcement, or does the child
expects to hear angry and
negative comments every time he/she tries to talk to a parent?
EXAMPLE
Thirteen year Omar is fasting for his second year,
during Ramadan. One Saturday he
and another Muslim, Adnan, go to a non-Muslim friend's house to
play. At one o'clock, Omar phones
home to tell his mother, " Johnny keeps asking us to eat lunch. We
told him we're fasting and he
should go ahead, but he says if we don't eat, he won't either. Adnan
says if I break my fast, he
will too. What should I do?"
"I can't believe you're asking me that," complains his
mother. "Allah is going to
punish you if you don't fast! You know better than that? Why can't
you act like a good Muslim.
Your father and I have taught you better than that!"
How often will Omar asks his mother any questions after
a response like that? By
assuming that his behavior is negative and giving negative
reinforcement, you can be sure that Omar is
not likely to ask his mother for help again. Instead, imagine if
his mother answered this way:
"You did the right thing by phoning when you weren't
sure. But I think you already
know what you should do. What do you think is the right thing to
do?"
Omar answers, "I think I should say no, I'm going to
keep fasting."
"You are exactly right," answers his mother. "I'm so
proud of you for the way you are
thinking."
EVALUATING THE NEGATIVE
When you have discussions with your youth, you may be
alarmed at his rudeness, or his
apparent rejection of everything you say. He may even tell you that
you are stupid or you don't
understand, or you don't care about him. This does not mean what it
sounds like. It means that he
does not feel comfortable with the answers he is getting. Maybe
what you say is opposite to what
he is feeling at that moment, or maybe he has given that answer to
his non-Muslim friends and they
have rejected that opinion.
Although it is very hard, remain kind and positive with
your youth. It really hurts
the parent to hear these comments, but they are not really aimed at
the parent, but at the thinking
process he/she is now undertaking.
During your discussions with your youth, you will now
want to include both positive
and negative reinforcement. 'Yes', you may agree with your
youth, 'it is very difficult not to
drink when everyone else is, but remember that Allah will reward you
for your good behavior, and
remember His punishment if you follow someone other than Allah.'
When there are so many unIslamic forces putting pressure
on your youth, he now needs
to understand that Allah will hold him accountable for his actions.
Allah will help if the youth
ask Him for help, and he will be rewarded for following the right
path, but accountability also
means he will receive punishment for his bad deeds.
Life is too difficult to do by oneself. The young child
has his parents who protect
him, and encourage him and who 'know everything'. Then he/she grows
up and discovers that mother
and father don't really know everything. Furthermore at school
he/she is hearing and seeing other
philosophies of life, and the selfish, materialistic one most
readily seen at school seems like
fun, and besides, 'everyone else is doing it'. How is the youth
supposed to figure out who is
right? It is a difficult time for him/her, and it is up to the
parents to be supportive, to encourage
discussions, to make allowances for mistakes, but at the same time,
to remain firm in their
teaching of Islamic values.
SEVERAL ISSUES INVOLVED
While teaching and talking to our children about Islam,
we need to be aware of certain
hidden issues. These are secular vs. religious actions, facts vs.
behavior and acquiescence vs.
critical thinking. These issues affect our thinking and acting
although few of us are aware of
them.
SECULAR VS. RELIGIOUS
Hina was an attractive fifteen-year-old with a slender,
attractive figure. She
attended the Islamic weekend classes on a regular basis, wearing
very short skirts and skintight
sweaters. The teacher mentioned to her mother that she might want to
encourage her daughter to dress more
Islamically because her way of dress would attract undesired
attraction of the boys at school.
"Hina, you have to change the way you are dressing. It's
unIslamic. No more short
skirts and you have to wear overlarge sweaters to hide your shape!"
scolded her mother.
"Who are you to say anything?" responded Hina
angrily. "Look at yourself, your dress
is up to your knees and I can see everything about your shape!"
Hina's mother has a split personality when it comes to
religion. On one hand she
prays her prayers and fasts during Ramadan. On the other hand she
likes to be 'fashionably' dressed
when she interacts with non-Muslims. She reads the Qur'an most
evenings, but spends her afternoon
gossiping with her friends. What is her daughter learning?
Hassan is no better off with his father, who takes him
to the weekend Islamic classes
but tells him he can skip Juma because his academic studies are more
important. Hassan's father
is a leader in the Muslim community, but Hassan overhears him
bragging to his friends about how he
cheated on his income tax and got away with it.
If we as parents pick and choose which aspect of Islam
to apply and which to omit from
our own lives, we can hardly expect our children to live purely
Islamic lives. If Hina's mother
chooses her clothing based on what her non Muslim associates are
wearing, then of course Hina will
demand the same right, even though her mother feels like her clothes
are too short or too tight.
The question is, who is the authority and who has the right to
decide? If it is Allah who has the
right to decide, then parents have no right to pick and choose which
practices they will follow.
If it is the individual who decides, then children have as much
right as their parents, once they
reach puberty. Parents who think differently will have their youth
point this out to them (if they
are on speaking terms). For sure the youth will be thinking this.
If you know you are not
following what Allah orders, you can attempt to change your own
behavior, admit to your youth that you
are also still growing in your faith, and tell them frankly that you
are trying to help them on the
right path now because it will make their life easier and better.
Then you will need to point out
the times when your deviation from Islamic values has caused
problems for you.
If you choose to ignore this aspect, most likely your
children will choose to ignore
your advice.
FACTS VS. BEHAVIOR
This aspect has already been alluded to in this paper,
but it needs a bit of
explanation. We expect the masjid (mosques) classes to teach our
children how to read the Qur'an in
Arabic, but not to understand what it means. We expect the masjid
to teach our children how to pray,
how to fast, etc. but NOT HOW TO LIVE, how to behave.
These are facts, not behavior. Many children know how to pray; very
few feel the need to pray
because they understand its importance. Quite a large number of
children know how to read the
Qur'an. Only a few read the Qur'an in order to understand what it is
saying, or in order to answer their
questions.
Islam is a complete way of life. The facts (the 5
pillars, the biography of Prophet
Muhammad) are useful when they help the person learn how and why
they should do something. The
fact that Prophet Muhammad lived 1400 years ago is a fact. By
itself, that fact is worthless. The
fact, that he lived as a Muslim in a city where Muslims were few and
persecuted, is worthless until
it helps us realize that if he and the early Muslims could flourish
in that setting, then so can
we. When we teaching our children about Islam, we need to teach them
how to behave, not just to
memorize facts. Instead of giving them lists of facts to learn,
set them an example and mention the
Islamic connection while you are doing it. You visit someone who is
sick; mention that this is an
Islamic requirement, discuss with your child why it is good to do
this act. Make sure you visit
with sick people who are not part of your cultural group and non-
Muslims as well. One important
lesson for your child to learn is that Islamic behavior is good for
everyone, even non-Muslims.
Watch TV with your children, especially the pre-teens.
Don't preach, but discuss the
behavior of the characters in the sitcom (comedy). Make comments
like, 'Aren't you glad you're a
Muslim so you don't have that problem' (concerning problems with
dating, drinking, etc.)
Initiate discussions with your children. Bring up
situations like, 'What should you
do if a friend in school is out sick for a week?" It is extremely
important to really listen to
what your children are saying. They know in a second if your mind
is preoccupied with something
else. When you ask for their opinion, really listen to their
answer, and make your next comment
reflect theirs.
ACQUIESCENCE VS. CRITICAL THINKING
Many parents grew up in areas where colonizing rulers
maintained schools for
acquiescence. That is, pupils were taught to repeat exactly what the
teacher told them. If the test
question asked for 3 reasons why it is good to brush your teeth, the
answer had to be the exact three
reasons that the teacher had told them in class. The pupil is not
supposed to think; he is supposed
to accept everything without questioning. This is too often the way
we teach our children about
Islam. Do this action because Islam says you have to. Do this
exactly the way I say because every
other way is haram. Our children need to learn that there are two
kinds of knowledge, that which
is revealed and that which is humanly acquired. Knowledge revealed
in the Qur'an and hadiths is
unchanging and unarguable. Knowledge that is derived from our five
senses and our own thinking is
subject to error and can and should be questioned.
North American schools, including good Islamic schools,
stress critical thinking. For
children who grow up here, it is not sufficient to say you have to
do this because I say so. You
can expect your children to honor and obey you because Islam
requires obedience to parents, but
you must also explain and discuss why you are asking for their
obedience. Your youth should be
required to pray, because Allah says for them to pray, but you must
also be open and willing to
discuss why Allah would ask us to do that. What are the possible
benefits of praying, what should you
do if you feel like the prayer is empty of meaning to you, and so
on. These questions don't mean
your youth are turning away from Islam; they mean that your youth
are thinking seriously about
their religion. One of the most wonderful things about Islam is
that because it is the truth, it can
stand up to the most critical of questions.
Parents must also learn to acknowledge that they make
mistakes, and they are ignorant
of certain answers. Your child does not have the right to expect
you to be able to explain every
Islamic injunction. He/she does have the right to expect you to
give an honest and open response
to their questions. When you tell your youth, "That's an important
question. I don't know the
answer. Let's see if we can find out what the Qur'an says about it."
then you have created an open,
honest exchange of thoughts with your youth.
Discuss Islam with your children from the time they are
young, stressing the positive,
and encouraging them to speak frankly and freely to you. Be an
Islamic role model for them. By
the time they have emerged from their troubling, questioning
adolescence, you will have children who
have actively embraced Islam, and who want to be Muslim because they
know that it will make their
life better in this world, and in the hereafter, in shaa Allah
(Allah willing).
This paper was first presented at the Annual Convention of the
Islamic Society of North America,
Chicago, Sept. 2, 2000.
Dr. Freda Shamma has her doctorate in Curriculum and Instruction,
which she received from the
University of Cincinnati. She has worked on curriculum development
in several Muslim countries as
well as for Islamic schools in North America. Currently she is the
Director of Curriculum
Development for FADEL (Foundation for Advancement and Development of
Education and Learning) in Cincinnati,
Ohio. Her latest publication can be found in Muslims and
Islamization in North America: Problems
and Prospects, ed. Amber Haque. Amana Publications.
Dr. Shamma has five children, the oldest of whom is married with two
children, and the youngest is
in high school. All of her children are active in Islamic work, and
particularly active in MYNA,
Muslim Youth of North America.
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